Let Me In
by ToucheDetective
Summary: Her walls may have come down but sometimes she still trips over the rubble.


_A/N: Set very early in season 5. Found this buried in my drabbles folder and decided to dust it off because I haven't posted in a while._

* * *

Her eyes close as she takes a sip of cool water, trying to calm her nerves. It's late. She's been running flat out for days, wanting to wrap this case up as fast as possible so she can put it behind her. All they have left is paperwork but she's in the break room poking at the crumbs on the table, her eyes stinging with unshed tears.

She's emotionally exhausted. Her limbs are heavy and it feels like someone's sitting on her chest. Every muscle in her body aches, the stress of the past few days taking its toll. She just wants this day to be _done_.

It's her own damn fault she had a panic attack at work. When she assured Captain Gates she could handle this case she knew that there would at least be nightmares. Needing some sense of control, she chose to forgo sleep in an effort to keep them away. That backfired though as the adrenaline from lack of sleep made her anxiety levels skyrocket leading to a panic attack in the bathroom during lunch.

She should be stronger than this, she mentally chides herself as she scrubs her hands over her face and sighs. This was supposed to be over with. Even as she tells herself this she knows it's not true. These things never fully go away; they have to be dealt with from time to time. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier. It just makes her mad. Her fist slams on the table, scattering the crumbs.

She jumps when she hears the door of the break room open, a jolt of adrenaline starting her heart racing again.

"Hey," Castle says cautiously.

"Hey," she answers tersely, not turning around to face him.

Ready to snap, she silently begs him, just this once, do not start talking. She just needs to hold it together long enough to finish her paperwork and go home. She hopes in vain he doesn't notice she's right on the edge.

Without a word he gently gathers up her hair and lays it over one shoulder. She starts to melt the second he pushes his fingers into her muscles. The heat from his hands and the firm pressure of his thumbs so relaxing, it almost has the same effect on her body as slipping into a hot bath.

How does he do that?

After a minute she turns around, letting herself fall against him as his arms wrap around to hold her. "Thanks," she sighs heavily, letting the last threads of tension out and breathing him back in instead, his solid presence calming the storm in her mind. Her anger has faded but she realizes it was the only thing keeping her together, leaving her emotionally raw and needing the release of a good cry.

* * *

"Go get your things," he says before exhaustion takes over and she falls asleep standing up.

"Castle, I have to–"

"It will still be here tomorrow."

He's only a little surprised at how easily she gives in, she looks so tired. Defeated. It makes his heart ache with the need to fix it. It definitely needs to be addressed but not here. Someplace safe. He hopes tonight she'll let him stay, won't shut him out again in an attempt to hide the fact that she's human.

She trudges over to her desk, telling Ryan and Esposito she's calling it a night and will finish up the paperwork in the morning, some excuse about not wanting to make mistakes while tired. As Castle helps her put on her coat, he catches Ryan's eye and shakes his head, an unspoken understanding between the two.

Ryan nods knowingly, waiting until they get to the elevators before picking up all the paperwork from her desk and adding it to his own. When he goes to get more coffee, Esposito takes half of the pile for himself.

The mechanical hum of the elevator seems louder tonight, magnified by their silence.

What good is being a world famous author when he can't think of a god damn thing to say? He just wants to hold her. Hold her until she falls asleep in his arms while he stands guard, keeping the night terrors at bay. Her silent sentinel. Maybe then he could finally get a good night's sleep, knowing he's doing everything he can, knowing she's safe, tangible proof right there in his arms whenever he needs it.

* * *

Her loud sigh settles heavily around them and she sways on the spot, eyes stinging as she closes them, trying not to think of how much better tonight would be with Castle there. But they don't do that. Their recently found relationship is still so new, both trying to keep the mood as light as they can whenever they're together outside work, partly because they're still high on this new level of intimacy and partly afraid they might scare the other off with heavier subjects.

She glances at her watch. The ride home should be quick this late. She wraps her arms around herself, trying to hold back the flood of emotion just a little bit longer. She wants to lean against him, let the steady beat of his heart sooth her, but she knows it will be that much harder to leave if she does.

He has to put a hand on the small of her back to usher her out of the elevator, the quiet ding surprisingly going unnoticed by her.

She pulls her coat tighter when they step out into the cold night air, the sidewalk quiet except for the click of her heels.

"Thanks, I can take a cab from here," she says, a hint of finality in her tone. Even if deep down she wants him there, she can't let him see her tonight, ripped awake in the middle of the night by her demons. Sure, he's seen her shed a few tears, but nothing like the breakdown she knows will happen the moment she closes her door.

"Beckett –"

"I'm fine, Castle." She manages a fake smile but still hasn't made eye contact with him.

He sighs in frustration, "No."

Not again.

He reaches out for her arm and turns her until she's facing him even though she seems more interested in staring at the spot of concrete next to his feet.

"No, you're not."

She looks away and purses her lips. Is he really going to do this now? Here? Her eyes shut tight, fingernails digging into her palms as she braces herself.

"You will be, but you're not now."

"What do you want me to say, Castle?" Her voice breaks on his name. "That I'm not okay? That I'm going to go home and cry myself to sleep only to be woken up in the middle of the night by my own screams? Is that what you want to hear?" The words spill out, angry and unchecked. Her eyes well with tears and she suddenly looks scared, like she's said too much. She closes her mouth tight and turns her head, unable to look at his reaction.

He can't hide the pain on his face at the stark picture she's painted but at least she's talking.

"I want to hear the truth, to not have you feel like you have to hide it from me. I want you to _let me in_. Is that so much to ask?"

"Why? I don't need you to save me. I can take care of myself," she spits out. Her brow furrows and she shakes her head, cringing at the harshness of her own words, recognizing her defense mechanism immediately. Her walls may have come down but sometimes she still trips over the rubble.

She sighs, "Look, tonight is going to be rough, okay? You don't want to be there for that."

* * *

"The hell I don't. That's exactly why I want to be there," he says with conviction, takes a step toward her to drive home the certainty of his statement.

She shifts on her feet, biting her lip trying to figure out for the millionth time why it's so hard for her to let people help. Why anyone would want to.

He realizes that even though they excel at communicating with just a look, he still needs her words, and she needs his just as much, needs him to push sometimes.

"Tonight is going to be rough for both of us. I know you're strong. You have nothing to prove to yourself or anyone, and _especially_ not me. I have no doubt you can get through this, but Kate," he takes her face in his hands, making her look up at him, "…you, _we_, don't have to do it alone." His eyes plead with her to just let him in, to not make them spend another sleepless night away from each other.

She breaks then, tears finally streaming down before she buries her face in his chest, fingers gripping his jacket as the dam finally bursts inside, relief washing over both of them.

"I do want you there, Castle, I do."

* * *

_I wrote this a long time ago because it wouldn't get out of my head but I never intended to publish it. I know it's not my usual genre but I hope you enjoy it while I try to finish all my works in progress by the end of the year!_


End file.
